guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
