She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
