Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
