I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
