So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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