This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
wow bdsm is so cute
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
