Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
