I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
