I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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