We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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