remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
