She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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