I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
