I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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