weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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