just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
