Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
