He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
