I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
