Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
