Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
