Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
