Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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