She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
