The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
All I want is dick and wine.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
