dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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