she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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