Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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