Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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