And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
