soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
