He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
