Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I just shit out all my problems.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
