Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to wash the frat house off of me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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