Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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