matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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