feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
