They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
