so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
