i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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