your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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