I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
