ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
