I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
