You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need mimosas to revive my soul
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
