My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
