Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
