dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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