My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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