i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
