I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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