He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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