capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
