Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
